


Step One

by Mickey_99



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Drugs, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, OT4, Polyamory, Rape Aftermath, Rape/Non-con Elements, Self-Harm, Victim Blaming
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-06
Updated: 2020-06-06
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:33:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,506
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24563164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mickey_99/pseuds/Mickey_99
Summary: Step one is admiting it happened. Tendou can't quite get past this step.
Relationships: Semi Eita/Shirabu Kenjirou, Semi Eita/Tendou Satori, Semi Eita/Ushijima Wakatoshi, Shirabu Kenjirou/Tendou Satori, Shirabu Kenjirou/Ushijima Wakatoshi, Tendou Satori/Ushijima Wakatoshi
Comments: 40
Kudos: 323





	Step One

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this one on my phone... I dont think it's all that good but the message is important... why do i hurt tendou.

Things like this don't happen to people like me. They just didn't. People like me don't get sexually assaulted. I'm not saying that I am especially strong or anything; I am just not someone who fit the mold of a victim. I'm tall, lanky, weird looking. So what happened couldn't have been rape. It couldn't be that.

Who cares if I barely can remember the experience. Who cares if I was too drunk to say yes or no. Who cares if the entire time I was busy trying to remember how to move my lanky arms to push the person off of me. Who cares if after the experience I had to call the hospital because I felt like I was dying. Who cares that the hospital said I was given an excessive amount of drugs. Who cares if they tested me for date-rape drugs. Who cares if they gave me a rape kit. Who fucking cares.

It wasn't rape. That kind of thing didn't happen to me. 

I remembered the horror on Shirabu's face when he had walked in. Horror that had morphed into sadness, betrayal, and tears before he ran from the room.

I didn't blame him. I had been talking with the guy all night, laughing and joking around. And I had seen videos the guy had sent to me of the encounter. I looked like I was wanting it. 

Shirabu, Semi, and Ushijima. All three of them had the right to be furious with me in that moment. They had the right to never talk to me again. 

But.

"Tori please," Semi said. My three boyfriends are standing in front of me after weeks of me trying to avoid all three of them," Tell us what is going on. We want to hear it from you."

I was standing with my books pulled up to my chest. But I was forcing my posture to be straight. Eye contact. Don't look at your shoes. Nothing is wrong.

"Shirabu likely already told you," I said smiling. 

_It wasn't rape_

"Why are you smiling then?" Shirabu says, and there are tears in his eyes," Did we really mean that little to you that you'd brush us to the side like this."

I can hear the fury in Shirabu's voice and I almost want to flinch. But I stand strong and hold my head high. 

I shrugged my shoulders and smiled. 

Nothing is wrong. The only thing wrong is me. Make them hate me. Make them hate me so when I leave it means nothing to them.

I had prepared myself for Eita to slap me. I had prepared for Kenjirou to smack me. But I hadn't been prepared for Wakatoshi to do so. 

My cheek burned, and I stared at the ground in shock. Because Wakatoshi barely ever shows emotion. And just then, his entire face had been pure rage.

"If we mean that little to you, then stay away from us," I heard Ushijima say. 

I heard their footsteps walking away from me. I heard Eita cursing. Kenjirou sobbing, and Wakatoshi's small sniffles. But I kept my head down. I didn't even notice I was crying until I saw drops of discoloration hitting the concrete ground beneath me. My cheek burned, and I almost welcomed the feeling. The sting in my cheek momentarily brought me bliss from the thoughts that had been coursing through my head for the past week.

I shook my head. Trying to get rid of the intrusive thoughts that Ushijima, Semi, and Shirabu had tried to hard to get out of my head while we were together.

And as I stood there remembering the times Eita forced me to eat when I was trying to starve myself. The times that Kenjirou pulled me away from the mirror where I was looking at my features in disdain. And the times that Ushijima plucked and razor out of my hands and held me close. It had been years since I had had the urge to do any of that. And yet all of those intrusive thought were rearing their ugly heads now. 

They were gone. The people I loved most in the world were gone. And it was all because my dumbass took a drink from a stranger at a party. It was all my fault.

I trudged to my art studio. An apartment that I payed rent on so I had somewhere to go and work on my illustrations away from our tiny two bedroom apartment. My studio wasn't much. It had a couch. A bathroom. A small kitchen that was connected to the main room. I had paints and canvas everywhere. Rulers, different types of pencils, calligraphy pens and all types of nibs. I found myself collapsing onto the couch as soon as my feet fell beside it.

I clutched the pillow tight to my chest and tried to push away the memories from the party.

_It wasn't rape._   
_It wasn't rape._   
_It wasn't rape._

I could feel the rise and fall of my chest as I struggled for air. Eventually I could hear the gasping breaths I tried to take. My body desperate for any sort of oxygen that I could bring in. I brought my nails up to my arms because I could feel everything. 

_Stop it._   
_Stop it._   
_Stop it._

Everything went black soon after.

  
When I woke up again, I was still on my couch. I felt my head throb as I sat up quickly. I stood up and winced as I felt the pain in my ass. It still hurt. It was only a week ago that I... had sex. It was bound to still hurt.

I ignored the voice in my head that said it had never hurt before for this long.

I looked over to the kitchen hoping to see Kenjirou getting started on breakfast. But my face fell as I remembered the day before. My heart sank in my chest. I fell back onto the couch, ignoring the pain that shot through my body as I hit the cushioned seat. 

I would have to get up eventually but for now I let my face fall into my hands as I cried.

_You fucked up._   
_This is your fault._   
_This is ALL your fault._

Eventually I pulled myself out of my self hatred long enough to get dressed and walk to class. 

Getting to campus was a blur. I didn't stop and admire the city as I walked. Instead I kept my head down and tried not to think about the party. Arriving at campus was hard. Because sitting in the spot where we used to meet everyday was Toshi, Kenjirou, and Eita. We had set up our classes so they overlapped the best we could. But they weren't what made my arrival to campus so hard, no, it was the hand that descended upon my shoulder.

"Satori right?" A voice asked.

I froze as I recognized the voice. My entire body threatening to shake. My nails were biting into my palms so hard that blood was starting to drip onto the ground. My eyes were frozen on the spot where my three exes sat eating lunch. 

I shakily nod my head. 

_It wasn't rape._   
_Why am I so scared?_   
_It wasn't rape._

I feel the hand dig into my shoulder a tiny bit rougher. My breathing picks up. 

_Stop._   
_Stop it._

" ** _STOP IT_**!"

The hand freezes as my terrified shriek pierces the air. His hand is still on my shoulder, I want it off. I want it off of my shoulder so bad. 

"Shut up," I hear him growl in my ear. A hand is shoved over my mouth. "God you were so much fucking better when I drugged you. You're so fucking weird looking with your hair up like that. You should leave it down like you did at the party. All messy like. That was sexy."

  
I feel tears breaking into my vision. His hand moves from my mouth to inside my pants. I looked around to see if anyone could help. It was quiet in the location where we were. Nobody was around. The only hope I had was if one of the students from the main courtyard looked in our direction.

"Stop it." I said." Please stop. Leave me alone. I don't want this."

_Stop._   
_Stop._   
_Stop._

"You asked me to stop last time too," he said kissing me on the neck," Look where that got you."

  
"What?" A shocked and horrified voice breeches the silence. Kenjirou.

I am stuck between thanking god and cursing him as I catch Kenjirou's eyes. He looks absolutely devastated.

I find myself shaking harder. The tears that had been gathering were now spilling down my cheeks.

"Stop touching me." I say shakily. My breathing was borderline hysterical now. My feet still were frozen to the ground. 

"You heard him," I heard Kenjirou say. "Get the fuck off before I call for our other boyfriends."

I couldn't even process the way he said our boyfriends. My legs were shaking to hard. I felt the hands on my shoulder and down my pants leave and I fell forward in a heap. I felt arms encircle my waist to stop me from completely smashing into the ground. 

I watched as the male who held me captive with practically just fear walked away. I shakily take a deep breath before wrapping myself around Kenjirou and allowing myself to breathe in his scent.

"Explain Tori," I hear Kenjirou say.

"He was the one I slept with," I said burying my face into his shoulder. My entire frame was shaking. Tears were still leaking out of my eyes.

"Satori, did I walk in on you being raped?" His voice breaks. Kenjrou is wrapping me in his arms tightly.

"It wasn't rape." I say quietly.

"He said you told him to stop."

"IT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER IT'S STILL MY FAULT!" I scream. My vision is now completely blurred. My hard breathing has now turned into sobs. I clutch tightly to Kenjrou, hoping to God that he doesn't disappear from my grasp. "I shouldn't have drank the drink he gave me. I should have just made my own. But I was stupid and I drank it. It's my fucking fault... it's my fault. Don't you see?"

My rant ended with me sobbing into his shirt. I felt his lips pressing on my forehead.

"It's not your fault." Kenjirou says," I promise you it's not. I'm so fucking sorry. You don't know how much I hate myself right now. I could have stopped it, but instead I thought you were cheating on us."

We sat there on the ground wrapped in each other's hug for around 30 minutes before Kenjirou's phone rang. I heard him answer and explain where he was before clicking the phone closed.

"That was Eita and Wakatoshi." He said," I am going to tell them if you don't want to."

I nodded my head slowly. I still had my face buried into his chest. My legs were splayed out I front of us.

"Please tell me you did a rape kit at the very least," he said.

I nodded," I had to go to the hospital because of the side effect of taking way to much of whatever he gave me. The nurse had told me I should get a kit done. And I was honestly to out of it to argue."

I feel Kenjirou rub a hand down my back. I felt my eyes start to flutter shut, that is until I felt myself getting yanked off of Kenjirou.

"WAKATOSHI STOP!!!"

Ushijima was staring at me with furious eyes. "I told you to stay away from us." 

I felt my body start to shake again. Ushijima seemed to notice this because his eyes were suddenly confused.

"Wait?" Ushijima asks," I thought you were attacking him."

"Why would I be hugging him if he was attacking me? You volleyball doof." Kenjirou asks. "More importantly I literally had just calmed him down. Why did you have to do that?".

Eita steps in between the two," Okay. Just explain please. I thought we all agreed that we wouldn't be trying again with Tendou. I thought we agreed that this was done. He cheated, this shouldn't be a 'second chance' thing."

I felt my heart drop. I'm not even sure why it did. I had been shuffling slowly away from the group. Kenjirou didn't notice me because I was behind him now. Eita and Wakatoshi didn't care, or weren't even paying attention to me. After hearing Eita say those words I turned and ran. I distantly heard Kenjirou give a brief yelp of panic. I ran my way back home. Only to be stopped by a sturdy chest. I looked up and froze.

 _ **It was him.**_

I fell backwards onto my ass. I yelped as my backend came in contact with the hard surface.

The man smiles at me and tears prick my eyes.

"Sounds like I gave it to you pretty good," he says looking at me," I could give it to you even harder this time."

I shook my head quickly. I didn't want that. I watched as he raised his fist to hit me and I clenched my eyes shut and threw my hands up over my face.

**CRACK!!!**

My eyes snapped open and I watched as Wakatoshi sucker punches the man. I feel warm arms wrap around my middle and gentle hands undoing my clenched fists.

"Eita?" I ask. My voice wavers and I blink back tears.

"Yeah it's me," Eita says quietly. I can hear a hint of something in his voice but it isn't until I turn around that I see what it is. Regret. "Please don't hide something like this ever again. Kenjirou didn't go into detail. Just said what he saw wasn't consensual. Said we needed to find you because it wasn't safe at the moment for you."

"Where is Kenjirou?" I ask quietly. My voice holds no power. I feel myself being shifted into another pair of stronger arms. I feel Toshi pick me up with practiced ease.

"He broke off a little bit ago so he could get the car," Ushijima says," we were going to go to the police station but I suppose now we can just call the cops."

"No don't," I said frantically," He didn't rape me."

"Then what happened Tendou," Eita says angrilly.

"I got drugged okay," I said crying," I should have been more careful."

"Baby," Eita says holding my face in his hands," You shouldn't have to worry about being drugged. That shouldn't even be a thing. That was rape Satori. You didn't give consent. It was rape. And not a damn second of it was your fault."

Tears ran down my face and I felt Wakatoshi place a hand on my back. I collapsed into Eita with force and I began to sob.

_The first step was admitting it happened._

_[Join the discord](https://discord.gg/ebQ9kg5Q7r) _

**Author's Note:**

> I might do a second one... maybe


End file.
